The Art of Self-Sabotage
I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do. – Alanis Morissette
Singer, Songwriter, Actress
…I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. The Apostle Paul, Romans 7:15&19
I was watching a spy action series the other day. One of the villains said something that really got my attention. “Humans have the uncanny ability to sabotage things that are really in their own best interest.” The villains used this really common human tendency to zero in on their victims. I think too often we are the villains zeroing in on ourselves.
Last week, I enjoyed having coffee with a friend that I hadn’t seen in a few years. We used to meet every week for years - challenging each other to be better men - brave and stronger together. Then a few things shifted in our relationship. I moved out of the area which made it hard to meet regularly. He also needed some specific help for an area in his life where he was self-sabotaging. For him this self-sabotage was directly related to something he didn’t want to do. He didn’t want others to do it either. He started a non-for-profit organization to help others stop acting out self-sabotaging addictions. Yet he himself was secretly flirting with the same self-sabotaging activity he was helping others not to engage in. It ended up causing him to shut down his not-for-profit. Confusing, Right?!?
As we caught up on less invasive things like marriage, jobs, and hobbies, I jumped into the deep end. I directly asked him how he was doing with “the thing” that had been keeping him from being the man he wanted to be - the man God wanted him to be. He said he had been “clean” for over three years. He found specific help that helped him to the core of his self-sabotage. For him it was shame. His discoveries took some time and were complicated, but basically, he was raised in such a shame-based environment, that he had a hard time not living in an environment where he would have shame. So he created opportunities to potentially feel shame. Isn’t that something? I told him it was insidious. It was sneaky and damaging and prevented him from being the man he wanted to be, the man he felt called to be. But he was no longer a self-sabotaged. It was really good to see him and to see him self-actualizing instead of self-sabotaging.
WHY DO WE SELF-SABOTAGE
The reasons we self-sabotage are usually complicated and often-times trauma-based, so it is not easy to get a succinct answer to why we do it. But I came across a really good and simple one: We self-sabotage because we have learned that it works really well. Source:https://nickwignall.com/self-sabotage/.
This means that self-sabotage has given us something that provides a solution to something that makes us challenged or uncomfortable. It provides a solution for discomfort - even if it was in the short term, and even if it is unhealthy and destructive in the long-term. Self-sabotage helps us cope with our present realities.
To counter it, we have to realize what self-sabotage provides and then counter it with better alternatives. Here are some examples from the same guy I quoted above:
If you want to stop abusing alcohol, you need to compassionately understand that alcohol “works” to alleviate your stress after work.
If you want to stop stress eating, you need to compassionately see how stress eating “works” to make you feel less lonely in your unhappy marriage.
If you want to stop procrastinating, you need to compassionately understand that procrastinating helps you avoid fear of failure or fear of success.
In each of those scenarios, the solution to self-actuality rather than self-sabotage, imagine a different means for the same solution.
How can I relieve work stress in a healthy, productive way - like going to the gym or taking a brisk walk with my dogs who need more exercise as much as I do.
How can I remedy loneliness in my marriage - like having dinner together and talking about our day or about what your learning about yourself.
How can I counter procrastination by admitting my fear but then taking a step toward my good goal anyway.
How do you self-sabotage?
Here is a list of common reasons for self-sabotaging from Forbes Online. Which one is your sabotage-de jour?
Procrastination: Putting something off and making excuses, is a common self-sabotaging behavior. Excuses are made to attempt to justify an unnecessary delay that prevents you from reaching a goal. For example, you might put off studying for a test because you fear failing, or you might tell yourself you don’t have time to meet with a nutritionist, so you can’t work on eating more healthily this month.
Courting Temptation: You can self-sabotage by putting yourself in a situation that tempts you away from meeting your intended goal. For example, an individual who struggles with substance misuse and who is in recovery chooses to go to bars to hang out with friends, even though they could spend time elsewhere.
Reprioritization: Some individuals may replace an intended activity or goal with another obligation. An example of this might look like someone saying, “I was not able to go to class this semester because I had to take care of my sick neighbor.”
Self-Medication: Some self-saboteurs may unconsciously turn to overusing drugs or alcohol as a way to avoid working through difficult emotions or thinking about past trauma.
Perfectionism: HIgh standards are one thing, but perfectionism can lead to self-sabotage if you end up setting standards for yourself that are impossible to reach.
Defensiveness: Self-saboteurs may hide emotional weakness under a strong and/or happy mask. These people may get defensive when others try to get close to them. Defensive self-saboteurs may have difficulty living in the present moment and end up pushing people away to avoid getting hurt emotionally.
Stop Self-Sabotaging
If you want to stop self-sabotaging, use the quote I started with: Humans have the uncanny ability to sabotage things that are really in their own best interest. Is this activity serving or undermining my best self-determined or God-determined interests? If it doesn’t get in touch with why it is enticing you and work on not doing it anymore.
If you are curious, here is a quiz that also lists 30 types of self-sabotaging behavior.
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