Stirring The Mud: A less necessary part of forgiveness

My dad and I have had a couple of great moments recently. He and my step-mom celebrated their 50th anniversary. My wife and I travelled to Idaho to be there for their celebration. When we were there, I had coffee with dad one morning. I wanted to tell him something that I thought would free us both up a little. My dad didn’t get to raise me – it’s about as complicated as it can get. I have added to the complications by not calling him “dad”. I have wanted to, but I have some baggage that has made it really hard for me. I always refer to him as “dad” when I talk about him or introduce him to people, but I have never called him dad. When I greet him, I always just said, “Hey” as if that was his name…

As we drank coffee together, I told him I wanted to make sure he knew that I did not have any resentment, anger or bitterness toward him. He mentioned once that he wondered if I had anger or resentment toward him. I neither confirmed nor denied whether I did or not. A few years later, I sat across from him and told him I didn’t have any of those things. I only had love for him, just like he had for me. And if it was still ok with him, I wanted to start calling him dad. He said “yes”. As a pastor and life coach who feels called to helping men, I feel like I have done good work when I make a grown man. By that standard it was a good meeting! I have started calling him dad. Good step for a 55 year-old…

A week later I asked my dad to help me with a teaching analogy at my church. We shared this story. My dad had this great line, “We didn’t have to stir the mud.” What he meant is that we didn’t have to hash out the details of offenses either of us had. We just wanted to move forward with each other.

Sometimes forgiveness is confused with “stirring the mud”; recounting the disappointments to the disappointer, or listing the offenses to the offender. Sometimes forgiveness may be exactly those things. Other times, depending on the relationship and the emotional health of both people, it could be more general and just as healing.

Good, non-muddy forgiveness could involve some healthy steps that are between you and you, and not between you and the one who offended us.

· Remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, not the emotions. Emotions catch up later – especially if you do these next steps

· Call things what they are sooner. Identify how what the person did (or didn’t do) made you feel. Use feelings word – this is the hardest thing for men to do. When [person] did this, I felt [fill in the blank – with an actual feeling].

· Give the wrong-doer the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time people are not out to hurt you, they are just out to advance themselves and others experience some ripples of their individualistic decision.

· Don’t let a molehill become a mountain. In the bigger scheme of things, especially in important relationships, we should be able to move beyond being offended (especially if we work through these steps). When we do the internal work of working through an offense, the offense and the wrongdoer lose a lot of power over you!

· Take a step toward the wrongdoer. After you have taken internal steps of forgiveness, you can act in a forgiving way toward the person and not require anything from them. They don’t need to apologize; they don’t’ even need to admit they did you wrong – (even if they should). You’ve already forgiven them and released yourself even more than you released them.

· Remember that ramifications are different from forgiveness. Sometimes when people do us wrong and break our trust, we have to let them re-earn some latitude in our life. Boundaries are healthy. Expanding boundaries and giving back some trust can also be healthy if the wrongdoer is working on their stuff too.

· Don’t be a victim. Being too sensitive can make us a victim. But we can also be a victim of bad things that need to be addressed with more than forgiveness. Illegal, illicit or abusive activity against you fall outside of the things discussed here. Appropriate measures should be taken to protect yourself, others and even the wrongdoer.

The relationship between my dad and I is moving forward and is way less muddy these days. We are both refreshed, moving forward with anticipation, enjoying conversation with each more often. And each time I call him, I call him dad. I like his new name! I think he does too!

#forgiveness #forgivenessheals #forgivenessisfreedom #forgive #forgivnessisdivinefortheforgiver #muddywater