Rejection Sucks! Or Does It?
Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” – Steve Maraboli, philanthropist and global literacy and education advocate
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. The Apostle Paul - Romans 12:18
Do you have rejection issues? I do - unfortunately. Actually who really doesn't? I have not met anyone who gets up in the morning and says, “Another opportunity to experience rejection - I can’t wait!” Yet on any given day, there is a good possibility that in some form or fashion we will experience some rejection.
But what if we tilted that a bit? What if, on those days that we do experience rejection, we had a different conversation about rejection? “Wow, I just got rejected. Maybe I could use this opportunity to learn something about myself and the world.”
In my Book about Emotional Intelligence, Emotalerting: The Art of Managing the Moment
(available on Amazon), I present the axion: My response ability is my responsibility. It is not a new way of thinking. Even the classic stoics like Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca quipped that the only thing we can control is our mind and not our circumstances. That just means that only you can respond for you. No one else can respond for you. Your response may be a reaction to someone else's actions or words, but how you respond is totally up to you.
The problem with rejection is that we usually feel personally hurt by rejection and our response is highly influenced by the hurt.
I recently felt some rejection. I was surprised by it. It was from someone I consider a friend. But the activities didn’t seem friend-like. This is what I worked through:
Let emotions take their turn & weaken
Emotions can easily take control. In the beginning of rejection, when we are hurt, emotion rules. Emotion hijacks reasoning, truth and relationships. We kick into the base brain functions of fight, flight, or freeze. It’s like an instantly boiling pot of thick spaghetti sauce splashing all over everyone and everything close by. Be careful who you are around when emotion is at the forefront - especially the person who rejected/hurt you.
When emotion takes its turn during feelings of rejection, I have some things I try to remember:
My thinking will be hijacked for about 24 hours - depending on the level of rejection and the person doing the rejecting.
I will likely lose some sleep the first night.
I will tell one or two people about it - people who know me well. My wife is always one of them.
Because I pick people that know me well, I know they will mix empathy and truth into my thinking.
Let the heat of my hurt dissipate so truth can step in to take its turn.
During this time, it is important that I not respond to the perpetrator of the rejection while emotion is taking its turn. If I respond to soon, I will likely turn my hurt into hurt. Hurt people usually hurt people. Even if I am right, my intensity will likely be too much.
Let truth takes its turn & strengthen
Once the heat of the rejection simmers down, I can make some level headed evaluations and decisions about what comes next.
What can I learn from this rejection?
I try to always start here. Sometimes I kickstart this part because it will help the emotional hijacking lose some of its steam.
When I was surprised by rejection the other day, I said a prayer and asked God to show me what I contributed and if there was something I could have done differently - in the relationship or the interactions that led up to the rejection. And I meant the question. It was not a platitude. I really wanted to know!
What is the truth from their perspective?
There is always more to their story than we know. What is their context - from the present or the past. Did I trigger them? Are they stressed about work or family? Oftentimes when someone acts out, it a symptom of stress in their life - some loss of control - so they are inadvertently seeking control over small things in their life. Maybe I hit a soft spot that I didn't know they had. Maybe I downplayed an important and relevant issue to them and, from their perspective, I rejected them first.
What is the truth from my perspective?
There is always more to my story than they know. All of the above paragraph goes both ways and applies to me too.
Is there middle ground?
This one is a hard one. There may not be middle ground. If there isn’t, then the boundaries and experiences of the relationship will have to get reshaped.
You have to be aware of your mission, vision and values so you can be articulate about why you feel rejected. And then as you seek some middle ground, you have to respect yourself and your mission, vision and values and not negotiate past them. Other stuff can be gray, except those.
Make a move toward reconciliation
Reconciliation is a new and different way of having a relationship. It is not the same ole relationship from before the rejection. We either move forward together with increased understanding, respect and empathy. Or we move away with the same three things - combined with mutual civility.
Either way, try to close the chapter. Too many of us have gotten into the habit of ghosting each other when we offend each other. The result is 100’s of unended chapters that gnaw at us from time to time - especially when we see them in the grocery store and go down another aisle to avoid them. And while we carefully round each corner of the next aisle, we wonder if we could have done better. Usually we could have.
Relationships are hard. Relationships are messy. Relationships are worth both. Isolation sucks and is way worse. Obviously, these steps are pretty intentional and require us to communicate with ourselves and with the offending party.
One final recommend: Do this in person. Don’t text or email! I got together with my friend who recently rejected me. We did the steps above - over lunch - and he paid for it! It went well. We are moving forward toward reconciliation.
#RejectionSucks #RejectionGrowsUs #RevengeOrRespect #Reconciliation #WhenRealtionshipsGoBad #braverandstrongertogether
Comments