Hermitsville, USA

Hermitsville, USA – don’t let people move there!

I just started my 36th year of marriage to the love of my life.  It has been 3½  decades of unregretted living.  Even the regrettable parts have become unregretted because we committed ourselves to growing, changing and learning way back in our early twenties.  If we hadn’t, we would have been in trouble – because I don’t think we knew much about being married and living unregretted lives as 20 year old newlyweds.

But our 35 years seems small to me compared to my uncle.  I had breakfast with him a couple of months ago while on a family vacation.  Three years ago, he lost the love of his life to brain cancer.  I just reached out to him to confirm how long they were married.  His response:  “50 years, 4 months, and 1 day.”  WOW!

I have been a little worried about my uncle these past three years.  We don’t talk much and aren’t super close.  When we see each other there is a lot of love, but we just don’t cross paths a lot.  But I have been worried about him, because I know that he is an introvert.  He has always enjoyed deeper relationships with only a few people.  I was concerned that he was moving toward an address at Hermitsville, USA. 

I instant messaged him to see if he would have breakfast with me.  He replied almost instantaneously and said yes.  We met up the next morning.  I loved the time I got to spend with him.  Part of me liked the challenge of getting an more introverted guy to tolerate an extrovert like me.  We moved past that quickly.  I wanted to hear how he and my aunt had met, how they started their marriage, some of their family adventures (like living in the wilderness of Alaska a couple of times) and great stuff like that.  I wanted to hear his story and I hoped he would remember his own story joyfully!

As we chatted I asked him how he was doing being alone after a half century of marriage.  I was surprised by something he told me.  He was sad.  He missed his wife in a way that made me lose both my breath and my tears.  He was lonely, but not as lonely as I thought he was.  What surprised me was that just before he met me for breakfast, he had just finished a walk with one of his buddies.  I was pretty interested in this, since I am such an advocate of deep and meaningful masculine relationships.  This sounded like one to me.

He and his friend met years ago  They ebbed and flowed in and out of contact over the years.  They live in close proximity now.  My uncle thought his friend could use the exercise, and he figured he could too.  So he reached out to his friend and asked him if they could meet up for a  walk every week.  His friend said yes, and now they have walked 3 days a week for a few years now.  They are benefitting from the exercise and the connection!

This is a great example of walking (pun intended) braver and stronger together.  Here is what I saw in my uncle:

· We all need time with other people – even introverted people

o My uncle had not moved to Hermitsville, USA!

· Men do better with activity-based conversations.

o My uncle asked his friend to walk with him – a really simple ask.

· Someone has to go first.

o Most men are waiting for someone else to ask first, so all they do is wait.

· All conversations don’t have to be deep.

o But deeper questions can help people feel less lonely.

· Deep relationships can form from shallower, intermittent ones.

o My uncle and his friend kept infrequent contact prior to their walks.

A lot of people these days are contemplating new addresses at Hermitsville, USA.  Don’t let them buy a house there.  Reach out to them.  We do way better when we walk braver and stronger together.