Health Shaming

I went to lunch with a new friend this week. I told him something that I hadn’t intended on telling him. It was actually a little embarrassing. As I drove away, I was shaming myself for sharing it with him, though he seemed to handle it well. Actually, it didn't really seem to phase him - at least not negatively. He seemed really interested in what I shared and I think he cared and was concerned for me - not necessarily in a pity way, but in a man-to-man caring way. He related to it. He understood it. He empathized with it.

So what did I tell him? I'm getting there... I say all the time that someone has to go first in relationship building. This might look like taking initiative in ways like asking someone out to lunch, which I had done with this guy. This was our second lunch. But going first also means being the first one to start meaningful conversation, often actualizing as being the first one to open up about meaningful experiences and problems.

Men should practice sharing thoughts that are hard to share and that may even involve some risk. As I was reminded, the risk only really belongs to the sharer, not the listener. My friend didn’t get weirded out. He didn’t go silent on me. He was a good relationship guy. He asked some questions and commended me for how I was dealing with my problems.

So what did I share? Let me preface that we talked about more lighthearted things first: kids, triathlons, cool movies, and music. Then the conversation turned to trauma because one of the movies we were talking about was about a man’s trauma and how he sought help to get through it. I have more than my fair share of trauma from my troubled upbringing. When it can help someone, I talk freely about it, working hard not to dishonor my family. So I told him, like the character in the movie, I was getting therapy for my trauma. Each week I go to a trauma therapist who is working to help me retrain my brain trauma that triggers me. I will spare the gory details about the trauma and the therapy - which isn’t really gory at all, it is just emotionally and physically depleting, but then becomes regenerating.

As I was sharing, I started to feel self-conscious and embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I was seeking therapy. I think I was even a little embarrassed about my trauma, like my trauma was something I had sought out. I shared with him that I felt slightly embarrassed, but he dismissed it quickly and compassionately.

Why is seeking health and recovery something I would be embarrassed about? When I get a massage, I don't get embarrassed about that. When I had a running injury and sought out physical therapy, I was not embarrassed about that. Why, then, when it comes to emotional or spiritual healing, do we become embarrassed of it?

For men it is an easy answer. We are supposed to be “pick yourself up by the bootstraps” dudes that are self-sufficient. Suck it up, Buttercup! And if there are things from our upbringing that are affecting us, we don’t accept that. That was then. This is now. Quit crying over spilt milk!

Article after article and study after study say this is why men keep it to themselves - autonomous self-sufficiency. The same articles and studies also say this is the reason men, comparatively to women, have higher rates of addiction, depression, and suicide.

But it’s not really that simple. We all have triggers that get the best of us. And the brain really does get triggered; It’s very fascinating stuff. My book Emotalerting - The Art of Managing the Moment on Amazon talks about this very thing. Basically, the brain learns how to deal with trauma and other emotional and physical injuries. It creates ways to fight, flight, and even sometimes freeze. When something enters our reality, our brain goes to a pathway that already exists for that reality (even if it is only similar), and you react. Your reaction is as reflexive as when the doctor used to tap your kneecap and your leg responded with a kick (do they still do that???). But there is hope! The brain can be reengineered fairly easily. It has to happen on purpose, and it takes some practice to override the old pathway, but I digress…

The point of all of this is to encourage men to stop feeling embarrassed about seeking help when it comes to emotional or spiritual injuries or trauma. We are all at least a little broken. Some of it may have been your fault, a lot of it was probably someone else's fault, and some it was incidental - being at the wrong place with the wrong person at the wrong time.

But we could be at the right place at the right time with the right person if we let them in on what we are working through in our lives. You don’t have to start with. “Guess what?! I am seeing a trauma therapist”, but you could start by sharing something meaningful and deep like I did, albeit by accident, the other day.

I am working on not being embarrassed about seeking help for my brokenness. I am not exactly ready to shout it from the mountain tops on my next man-hike, but my lunch was not a mountaintop. It happened by surprise and it just kind of flowed out of the relationship we were building. Give it a try. Be ready to offer up something that you are struggling through. The risk is worth the reward. Most guys will feel honored that you chose to share it with them.

#Trauma #Health #Autonomous #SelfSufficiency #Shame #BraverAndStrongerTogether #TraumaIsReal #HealingIsReal #LetSomeoneIn #Don'tHealthShameYourself #AutonomousSelfSufficiencySucks