Confronting Confrontation - quit being scared

Have you ever been scared of confronting someone - someone you care about? The reasons could be many but the fear is the same.

• What if they get really mad at me?

• What if they think I am being judgie?

• What if it damages the relationship - maybe even beyond repair?

The happened to me this week. I am really enjoying a rekindled relationship with a valuable friend - after 16 years of silence. And it has been great! We grew up together and shared a lot together. Neither of us would have ever imagined that we would have such a long break in our relationship. We didn’t really have a falling out as much as we had a falling away.

As we became adults, neither of us felt fully accepted by the other. Neither of us overtly disapproved of anything, but we became less and less comfortable around each other. And then 16 years of silence began.

So early this year (2023), he reached out to me. That first conversation lasted 2 1/2 hours. We laughed about our past, hashed out our present and started dreaming about the future. It has been a great year. We talk every week - making significant contributions to each other’s lives about things that matter.

I was afraid that was about to change this week. He shared something with me, and actually asked for some help. It was a big ask. I told him I had to think it over - with my wife - and I would get back to him.

I talked it over with my wife. I knew what she would say because I was saying the exact same things in my head. The answer was going to be “no”. Well, really, it wasn’t an all out “no”. It was a “not that, but what about this”.

But there was some evaluation of his decision in the alternative. I was afraid to call him back. I waited two days, and I was going to wait one more. My wife and I were binge watching and we caught up to the episodes that had been released, and we were sitting there with some open time. I blurted out, “Well, I should call [my freind] and quit putting it off”. She asked me why I was putting it off. I told her I was scared for two reasons:

• I wanted to make him happy by saying yes even though we were pretty sure that was the wrong way to go for him and for us.

• I was afraid it would shift our relationship back to the way it was right before the 16 years of silence - all three of the reasons I mentioned in the beginning of this blog were looming large in my frightened little mind.

But I put on my big boy pants, got off the couch before my little boy mind could talk me out of it and called him.

It went really well. He listened. He thought our concerns were valid and appreciated our alternative. He said he would think it over and get back to me. He did. We were still able to help him with an alternative of the alternative. And the most important thing: Our relationship moved forward!

During the conversation, I shared with him how nervous I was to call him back. Of course he asked why. I told him. He said he understood that completely and that he had also been scared to even ask for my help.

I had to confront confrontation:

• I had to think and talk it through with a trusted someone other than him or me.

• I had to resist the tendency of me making it a bigger thing than it was or could be.

• I had to risk that the future could be different from the past.

• I had to be true to me and my way of thinking and caring.

• I had to be true to him and his way of thinking and caring.

• I had to trust both of us

And I am enjoying the increasing depth in our relationship. It really is better to be braver and stronger together.

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