Boundaries and Believing the Best
Boundaries are good but they can also be hard, especially if the boundaries change the rules on someone when they weren’t expecting it. Since this blog is about male friendships that make men braver and stronger, most of the stories I share are about me or my male friends. This one is different: it’s from a good female friend. But its principles span the gender gap.
Basically, my friend had to change the rules on a close friend. And the changes were a pretty big change. One of her closest friends has lived with her and her family for quite a few years. When she moved in, it was a “let’s help each other” scenario. My friend’s son was young and her husband's job took him out of town a lot, so her being there was a big help. Her friend had some fairly serious health problems that took her out of her professional job and physically kept her from securing another job. Their arrangement was made many years ago and several things have shifted since. It was just time that the friend moved out. She is a caretaker for her disabled sister and her aging mother and spends a lot of time at their home anyway. Living there would not be too big of a stretch.
As much sense as the decision to ask her friend to move out made, my friend really hesitated to tell her for a couple of months. She prefers to avoid conflict and actually really cares about people’s feelings, sometimes to the detriment of her own. But she geared up and did it. And it went okay.
A little bit later, my friend was going to be out and about near the place her former roommate now lives. She texted her to ask if she could drop some items off. Her friend usually texts right back. She didn’t. She knew her friend received and read the message because her text said so. The loud sound of non-texting crickets ensued. And so did the story-telling drama queen inside her.
My friend started jumping to conclusions, not believing the best in her friend. She became pretty sure, in those first moments, that her friend was punishing her. Her friend wasn’t. It turns out that her friend was sick and tired, but not of her. Her friend’s sister had a bad night which kept her up too. So she really was a little sick and a lot tired. She got the text while falling asleep, read it, but fell back asleep. When she woke up she reached back out to her friend and appreciated that she was willing to drop off some of her stuff.
My friend was humbled and embarrassed as she told me the story (and gave me permission to share it). At our church where I pastor, relationships are one of our core values. One of the things we say is, “we believe the best in each other”. Her friend doesn't attend our church, but we try to practice this in and out of the church. She was humbled and embarrassed because she had not done that. Her first thoughts took her to the opposite of that - that her friend was getting back at her for establishing and enforcing a new boundary even though her friend had not challenged it in any way prior to the text.
There are a few “braver and stronger together” tips in this story:
Boundaries are ok, but you have to communicate about them - especially the what and maybe even the why.
Your friend doesn't have to agree with either the what or the why.
Boundaries change things, so give your friend time to adjust.
Give your friends the benefit of the doubt by believing the best in them while they adjust.
Changing boundaries can make us feel insecure too.
Give yourself time to adjust to your own boundary change - but don’t be flakey - enforce them while you are adjusting.
Don’t be a drama queen/king making faulty assumptions while you and your friend are adjusting to the new boundaries.
If you do assume, assume the best first!
As is usually the case, close friendships stay close through communication, even when some things change!
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